I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
