I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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