you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Randomize
