It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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