why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
