true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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