It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
