I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
