Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
