Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize