Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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