She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
