so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
