Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Randomize
