Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
