Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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