i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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