It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
