I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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