I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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