From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
