Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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