The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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