i jhust puked up my retainher.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
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