I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
