You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
