I'm gonna have a badass scar
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
