enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
