So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
