Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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