Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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