Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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