i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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