took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
It's never too late to be topless.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
