I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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