i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
