Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
