Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I want her autograph on my taint
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
