did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
