im drinking this country out of the recession.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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