We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
