Betty ford says i'm here all night
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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