i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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