just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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