I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
cat food counts as protein by the way
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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