dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
