i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
