You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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