I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
