i don't plan on having that self control this summer
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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