The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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