I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
