Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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