I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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