Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
