I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
