I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Couch. On fire.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
