all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
