the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i drank out of a bidet.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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