Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My liver just had a heart attack.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
