Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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