masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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