never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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