yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize