Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
