I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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