He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
