Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
