Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
