these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
