last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
