Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
