I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize